You don't know how I do it? Funny, neither do I.

I had a virtual meeting last week with several medical professionals, and despite a calendar reminder and an alarm set, I forgot about it and just luckily saw an email come through from one of the members letting me know everyone was gathered. I literally grabbed my computer, climbed into William's bed with him and hit zoom. We jumped right in and started covering all the basis of his past care, his present needs and future plans and requirements. Questions were asked about how work was going, how life was going with our eldest at home and in programs with multiple organizations each day via zoom, how it felt to have our daughter going out to school every day knowing the numbers for Covid are so unpredictable, having my husband go into work each day, and then the came comment I have heard several times now, "I just don't know how you do it." I laughed and said lots of coffee, who needs sleep anyways, and brushed it off.

But the question and my answer have been rambling around my convoluted mind for the past few days and truthfully my answer was neither truthful nor enlightening. I put forth a good front on screen, even in person, I have it all together. I have his medical bags all packed and organized, I can carry him and his feed bag, and his monitor while pushing his wheelchair full of all his other gear, across the children's hospital after a long exhausting day, load him and everything that comes along with him in the van, and then jump in the driver seat once William and his nurse are settled in the back, like it is just an ordinary day to do the 45 minute drive home drinking more cold coffee. The truth is, I have absolutely no idea at all how I do it. The truth is, I hate coffee. The truth is I feel like I do it very poorly. The truth is all I see is that I forgot about my meeting, was ten minutes late, talked too much. The truth is I still made them laugh and shared joy. The truth is I made it at all, was coherent and found productive results from the meetings that will make a difference now and in the future. The truth is, I just do it.

I hope it is from a sense of grace that I brush people's concerns away and make like it is no big deal that I still get up every morning and take care of so many when I can barely stand I am so tired. What I should be doing is honouring those other Medical Moms and Dads who are living this life like I am and admitting to others, I don't know how I do it, you just do. Everyone's lives are hard and complicated and we should never compare ourselves to others. You know what, my life may seem harder than others and yet is may also seem so much easier than others. All we should focus is on how our lives feel for us, and for those we love around us.

The next time someone mentions that they don't know how I do it, my answer is going to more truthful, more vulnerable and perhaps more illuminating. I don't know how I do it either. There are moments that are really heavy and weigh me down to the very core of my soul, and there are moments of joy and happiness that break apart that weight. I am not perfect for I am human, but oh am I determined to learn as much as possible from this journey, and have as much laughter and love that we can gather along the way.