Liam and William: Grieving the Child that Could Have Been While Loving the Child Who is

I had a dream last night. It was one of those dreams that are so incredibly realistic that when you wake it is hard to distinguish between it and reality.

In the dream my husband and I were picking up our child. We were outside in a village somewhere and he was standing apart from us smiling and making faces at us. My heart was bursting with joy but every time I tried to get closer to him he was further away. Sometimes he was actively running away in a playful, come catch me Mommy, way. Other times I just couldn't reach him. He giggled and smiled a huge radiant smile and reach out for me. I reached out as far as I could, straining to the very limits of my soul and though he was reaching for me we were still apart. I yelled out LIAM with a guttural sound and woke up in a panic, sobbing as I came back to reality. My Liam is gone.

Do not mistake me. I adore my son William with my whole being, every fibre in my body, but it broke my heart to say goodbye to my vision of who he could be and the boy I had nicknamed Liam in the womb. The day after he was born I was being transferred into the ICU bed at the Children's Hospital by the paramedics who had brought me, when I was reunited with Keith. My first question was "when can I see Liam?". Keith is a very easy going guy, but immediately his response was "his name is William." "I thought we were going to call him Liam for short." "His name is William" as simple as that. Thank goodness for that as it allowed me to tangibly distinguish between the before and after.

Grief is an intense emotion and one that creeps up on you when you least expect it, like in your dreams. You might have to suppress it during the day in order to function, but it is never gone.

I am in an amazing group of medical moms called Love and Encouragement 2021 gathering together for 52 weeks to share our stories and support each other. This week we were challenged to recognize our grief and share it.

"Allow yourself to recognize where loss is impacting your life – there is no comparison, no bigger than each other ..loss is loss." Our amazing leader Kim wrote for us.

How true it is that there is no comparison no grief or loss bigger than another. We are each going through our own journeys and while it may be the parent watching their young child grow up so quickly or the loss of a job, grief is grief. It is an emotion that we must all face at one point or another, not that it makes it easier.

I grasp onto everything my son does and treasure each moment, but there is no denying that seeing him struggle to control his limbs, or the amount of effort it takes to even attempt a smile, well loss is loss. I wish I could make it easier for him, and Lord knows I try, but the truth is I have to push these wishes away and live in the reality of what is. William has found his own way to communicate and has a smirk that to me is more special than anything. He has a silent laugh (due to his trach) that warms me through and through. I will forever miss you and love you my little trouble maker Liam, while continually adoring and being amazing by my incredible Warrior William.