Forget Hallmark Card Sayings - How to Actually Help a Family in Medical Turmoil

Oh how to start this post?! I am so grateful for family and friends who have stepped up and offered help or better yet just helped without even asking, but we are lucky - extremely lucky. So many of my Medical Parent friends are not so lucky. I see so many of them reaching out on social media asking for help, which is one of the hardest things to do. I am always so impressed with the bravery it takes to open up and be vulnerable to others and say 'we could really use help.' But do they get the help they really need - not by the responses I see. It makes me wonder why. Is it because we tend to hold it all in while trying to hold it all together? Is it because people don't want to think about the pain and agony of a child being sick or intentionally hurt due to a necessary surgery? Is it because people just want to stay positive? or maybe could it be because people are just unsure of how to help?!

The most frequent responses that all of us give are simple platitudes "you're so strong", "you're kiddo is so strong", "it'll be fine", "everything happens for a reason", "don't worry so much it could be worse" and "I'll be thinking of you". Okay, have I written these and/or said these before - yeah. I'm human, and I want to be supportive. But now on the flip side I have realized that while words are nice, and the act of reaching out is one of my items of how to help, they aren't the most useful and practical way to help.

With a handful of my Medical Parent Friends, we have compiled a list of practical suggestions that we would all love to have the next time we are stuck in our child's room or sitting in the surgical waiting room. Just be aware that life inpatient is gruelling. The majority of the time there are no fridges available, no food available for the parents within easy access, parking is expensive, there is no such thing as easily having a shower or let's face it being able to go to the bathroom (do you know how many times I have had to stand in my kid's room doorway doing the pee dance begging a nurse to watch my child for a moment?! It is so utterly embarrassing to even admit that here - let alone keep doing it all the time - and really all of you out there with Mom bladders know it is a risky game to play too!!!)

Truthfully though I think this list is for everyone. Who wouldn't like a friend to show up and give them the greatest gift of time and support?! Isn't it true that by taking care of each other we have the opportunity to make this world a better place?! Well with that (and way too many exclamation marks) being written, here is our list. Please feel free to comment on things you would like to see added and above all else, know that there is no perfect move, nor perfect thing, but it is in the act of just trying or just reaching out that we feel the most support.

Helping In Person:

• Help pack for the hospital or brainstorm what might be needed

• Help load the car

• Offer rides to the hospital

• Phone calls/texts/emails/dms - just the act of reaching out to check in (CAVEAT - but please do not be offended if the person does not have the energy to respond back, know that it has been seen and the purpose felt)

• Check in on the parent!! (this follows along with the above - but check in on the parent, not just the child and be a listening, non-judgemental ear. You don't need to understand, but just the parent lean on your for a moment - that is priceless)

• Visit at the hospital and offer to sit with the child so the parent can shower, go to the bathroom, nap, get fresh air, go for a walk

Helping on The Home Front:

• Think of the siblings - offer to take them to do something like go to the park, offer to drive them to their programs, offer to stay with them for a bit so the parent at home can get a break

• Pets - take them for a walk, feed them, do they need to go to the vet, help arrange for a pet sitter or dog walker

• Home - shovel snow, cut grass, water plants/garden, get mail

• Feed the family at home - prepare meals, order them meals, offer to pick up or get groceries

Financial Help:

• Money - let's face it hospital life includes loss of income, high cost of gas/food/accommodations, and so much more. Offering to do a go-fund me or a fundraiser can be an amazing offer - people may not take you up on it (see the above about how hard it is to ask for help) but the offer still means a lot.

• Parking Passes for the hospital or lots nearby

• Hospital Cards (I have amazing friends who have done this and each put in an amount and one person ordered the card to be delivered to the hospital room - the money made such a huge difference - but just the love that came from that action, well it's hard to describe)

• Gas Cards (especially if a parent has to drive back and forth)

• Coffee Cards

• Offer to pay for their accommodations for a bit

• Pay for the WIFI at the hospital

• Pre-paid Visa or Mastercard

• Uber-eats or skip the dishes gift card

Useful Items to bring or send:

• Basic items - hair elastics, leave in conditioner, toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, hairbrush, chapstick,

• LONG phone chargers - the plugs are never near where a parent has to sit and/or try to sleep

• Distraction Items - colouring books, pencil crayons, pens, journals, pack of cards,

• Water Bottles and insulated coffee cups

• Comfy socks and slippers - floors are hard, cold, dirty and gross. You are often stuck in the same pair of shoes and possibly the same pair of socks for days - NOT PLEASANT!)

• Nice hand cream and/or face cream - it is so insanely dry there. I now keep the mini packs of eyedrops in my wallet just in case we end up there!!!

• Headphones

• Non-perishable snacks that are healthy - protein drinks, protein bars, cup of noodles, crackers, peanut butter, granola bars, muffins, instant coffee, veg or fruit like carrots and oranges, tea

• Any little kind gesture like a card, hot coffee or tea, little treat,

BIG TICKET DREAM ITEMS:

These would be a check with the family first thing but....

• Kettle for tea, instant coffee, oatmeal, soup etc....

• Fold up kids wagon to put all their gear in to pull from room to room as they get shuffled through the hospital

• Mini Fridge - the kind that is small and fits like 12 cans of pop, some of them even plug into a vehicle - these are amazing for milk for coffee/tea, veggie dips etc and even better meds that need to be kept in a fridge.