Crawling Out of the Rabbit Hole by Bringing Joy to Others

I have been dancing with depression for a long time in my life, particularly after our traumatic events in 2018. Why would a fun holiday like Halloween make my eyelids heavy and my body like lead when it comes to trying to get out of bed in the morning?! Here is a glimpse into the rabbit hole.

The weeks leading up to Halloween, I try to look towards the evening with enthusiasm but find that I am resistant to making plans or getting costumes ready. I decorate and I keep myself busy with the trunk and treat event we participated in on the weekend.

I resist picking up the fight that one of my kids (the eldest) can wear a costume all day long, one can wear one for half a day at her school and one isn't allowed to wear one at all. How is this equality?!

I think of two amazing Mom's I am sending my love out to who are remembering their precious sons who passed at this time of year. And I watch as my son is loving the light up decorations but not comprehending the concept of a costume or the joy of trick or treating.

So the morning of comes and I wake in a rush at 4 am in the midst of a nightmare where I am seeing Halloween through the eyes of my son, not able to reach out for the candy and not able to eat it even if he could, the struggle of being taken out of the comfort of my warm house to be stuck inside my wheelchair which is moulded to put me in the perfect posture position - which really kind of sucks after awhile - (tell me you aren't slouched over right now reading this! What if you had a seat forcing you to straighten up and keep stretching those tight legs all day long?!) and faced with bumpy, dark sidewalks and steep steps to get to peoples doors. Oh and the noise of children's laughter and screams, parents calling out and spooky music and sounds, which all jumble together in an overwhelming kaleidoscope of noise. It is easy to understand how it can be overwhelming.

I am beyond privileged in life. I have a husband who supports me in all shades of light and dark and when I complain I don't get enough done he lovingly points out that "you just do you in your own timeframe". His kindness lightens the weight I have woken to and I am fortunate enough to have the time and means to go and take hot chocolates to staff and treats to the kids at all three kids schools/day program.

The warmth and gratitude lift more of the weight. Seeing my youngest happy on the floor of his classrooms independently playing with a light up disco - ball like toy, knowing he will be happy at home tonight while his sister goes out and his big brother hands out candy, makes all the difference. Seeing my daughter in the midst of her friends on the playground and hearing from my eldest loving life during a program pizza party - well how can I not be grateful.

It may not be the ideal. In the ideal all my friends would have their children with them still and all our children would be happy and healthy, in the ideal my kiddos would be running off together trick or treating tonight - but maybe this is my ideal, my children are enjoying the holiday each in their own way, and perhaps that is what equity is actually about. They are individuals and they each need their own approach and support. And me, well I needed to feel a little extra love today and by treating others I was able to feel that in a very real way!

Happy Halloween Everyone!